I Am [.]

I am. Sad. For the memories. I have.

Of you. Even though I know. It was bad.

I still loved you. More than I ever had.

More than anyone I have.

But you're not mine. I'm not yours.

Though I know. Like seasons come. They go.

Ours is gone. Like Indian spring. Far too short.

Your summer was cruel. Your spring fallow. Untrue.

But your winter was beautiful.

I see angels in the snow. I miss you.

Primal Primacy (The pattern of firsts)

My lovers lips cleft in That satisfied sigh,
Like the gentle moan of enlightened winds.
The ancient yogis brave ancient mountains,
To perch upon mystic peaks, where such
Primal primacy speaks through pristine sky.

The savage cabal, the lonely heart's spy
Lurks in the phantoms of windowpanes,
The frost of cherub's smiling into fountains.
The dirge of wind keening through towers makes
Skeleton steps of the tree branches glassy rime.

Dawn is harsh to hands bound by turning time,
Which takes too eager glimpses between rooftops
And their gray peaked, pauper prince countenance.
Her mourned for absence will be beautiful in triangular ways -
It's inevitable, pattern of firsts; A kiss, A sigh, A goodbye.

(It's killing me I can't figure out how to make the last line one syllable shorter. No more love poetry about women and math at the same time.)

Lady Bug In My Loft (Strange friends)

Ladybug in my loft,
December snows settle in
And you're a fugitive -
An old crone or child
Born in unfortunate seasons.
Crawl around my counter
Between towels and tea candles-
There's nothing here for you,
And my windows have been
Sealed shut for weeks -
How long have you been hiding
Among the folds of my linens
And listening to the songs
Of my loss and lost longing?
I suppose, we're not so unalike
Children of misplaced generations
Wandering in our un-reason.
But you remind me of pretty
Hipster girls in polka dots
Drinking cheap beers and
Dancing to The Dresden Dolls.
Places I should be,
Down stalking the ghetto's streets,
Because there's nothing here for
You, or for me.
Let's wait out the winter here,
Together - see if we can make
Good roomates through New Years.
We'll sip champagne together,
Listen to the pistol pops
Play out through the valleys
Of the city's taller buildings.
If by spring, you're still here,
Well, I'll crack my windows
And let the new born air in,
Leave the wintery season behind
And depart as strange friends.

Ex-lovers (Disconnected through social media)

Ex-lovers,
Fond friends,
Sitting alone,
Typing away -
Leaving links
And status updates.
Late night,
Both still awake.
I wonder.
What walls,
What wrongs
Rose up between them,
To one night be
Laying in loving arms
And now to be unaware
Of the others written words.
I know he wonders,
In the bedrock
Of his quaking mind
Where she is tonight.
And I know she
Ponders in the glades
Of her willowy thought;
If he might be online.
They say, the hardest
Part of loss is knowing
What's gone goes on.
Without you, your love;
The humble truth,
We're just screens,
Flckering walls that
Still flciker when the
Power of our connections
Are cut off.
We just flicker,
For something else.
Ex-lovers,
Fond friends,
Sitting alone,
Flickering away.

Cut The Noose (Suffer for sinners, not self proclaimed saints).

Cut the noose,

The gallows give.

How many months

Have you been

Strung up like this?

Two souls, one love

The other unknown -

Lust or affection,

But something further

From True North,

The magnetic pull of

Faith's direction.

Martyr, Sinner -

Hangmen are never

Victims in innocence,

But I've paid my penance;

It was always mine,

But I can't hang

For your crimes too.

Not when you won't

Admit the truth.

Two souls burden,

More than a man can bear;

But you know,

I would die for you.

To this day,

As the rope unfurls

And my body is taken

Wrapped in bandit

Shrouds, dirty, drab, gray.

If I had two lives,

One, it would be yours,

I know you don't

Believe me, that's ok.

I'm a liar, thief and

Fool and ashamed,

But not of this.

The crimes locked

In your indifferent lips,

My execution kiss.

Cut me down,

Over and over,

With inciting,

Hurtful words.

I would hang,

For your sins,

But not the

Paltry whims

Of a self

Proclaimed

Saint.

You Are The Ghost (You are not alone)

You are the ghost

In the machine,

My sanskrit muse -

Dead languages

We used to know to speak,

Whose cryptic

Presence has me typing

Out long forgotten epitaphs -

Poems, prose all my pretty

Bloody, weeping words;

Fingers dance more these

Days with black keys than

Strands of hair or lovers ears -

All the pretty girls,

I caught and consumed

Trying to chase away

The memories and taste of you.

Well they still call

Unaware that this is the winter

And they were summer and fall.

Because hearts have roots and

They burrow deep,

The crown of leaves may change

But those tendrils still seek

Nourishment in the deep

Of once fertile ground

Even when days grow short

And the woodlands bleak.

So quiet now, listen to the wind

The ghost that howls,

Heralding great storms that

Rip oak and willow from earth,

Cast into the sky,

That once lovely voice within

With beauty that once wove

Gossamer through summery dreams

Become the shriek

Of forlorn medians and tundra,

The great white waste

Of lush lands, everything dies,

Kings, kingdoms, language and lust -

Everything risen up in fury

Is laid to rest in peace and solemnity.

The phantoms that cling,

Haunting bone, soul and memory

The angels and demons that seep

Out of haunted fingers onto

Computer screens,

Hoping others wandering

In this vast and great obscurity

Understand words written

In arcane emotions,

The story of roots, ghosts

Wind and bone.

Poems scratched into fallen trunks

Half buried in fresh fallen snow -

Sign posts to find your way home,

Whomever that may be,

Even as you're lost in the cold

Know that though you may be fallen

Just beneath your feet

Are all the humbled trees toppled

By once warm spirits in the biting breeze-

Everyone who ever dared to venture out

From blinking screens and glowing hearth

Has lost more than they could have known -

You aren't alone.

Let's Just Buy A House (But baby)

She begs me, baby, eyes all brown and heavy-

Let's just buy a house, settle down,

We'll slip into a new life without

All of this pain, without the city lights.

Everything, everything can be all right.

That would be beautiful

If it were true,

But the sea, it caresses the sand

And baby, my calloused hands

Were never meant for you.

I know you love me dearly,

But baby, I just don't want you.

Oh I know, how you could think this is love

Because when I hold you down,

Hand pushing back that auburn mane

It feels like the angels are lifting us up.

But baby, the angels, they don't give a fuck about us.

Life, girl, it's not a pretty thing,

Not like you,

But flowers, they reach up toward the sun

And we both know I'm not the one.

All you ever wanted was a simple thing,

But I'm a puzzle, baby, we both know

If you solved me, you'd find nothing.

Nothing, nothing, nothing. . .

Every Goodgirl (Just wants to dance)

You are chains.

That don't give a fuck

If I'm weighed down

By my love

For what's dead and gone.

Tell me, tell me

I'm supposed to be

Ok with your transient

Disposition and motivation

Watching fascinated words

Fall from your painted lips

For another while you're

Glued to his hips

With with sweat

Poured into the lust

Of your forsaken kiss.

Fuck you Rasputin.

She say's I'm bad,

Maybe even evil,

But she loves it -

Every self professed,

Saint confessed

Goodgirl just wants to dance

With the devil.

So don't protest,

Say that sin isn't beautiful,

Because the pit

May be filled with demons,

But that volcanic crown

Rests on the brow of an angel.

Fuck you Rasputin

All the little heresies

Popping up like daisies

In the not-so-white

Bed sheets that run wet

With sweat, tears and

What remains of your dignity.

Well, we're all just trying

To feel like we're still alive,

Like we did tugging along kites

Through the adolscent skies

Of cerulean youths.

I swear, swear I don't blame you

But I don't pretend, won't pretend

I don't hate you.

Fuck you Rasputin.

Where are my blue skies?

My alabaster wings and

Golden halo? My genuflections

At the throne of our grace?

Knees weeping, forehead

Pressed into the dirt,

The antechambers

Of parting skirts,

My burning brow's reflection

In the sounds of seething

At innocence seduced and

Screaming out I'll never

See the throne again.

There's no home for me

In the eaves of heaven.

Fuck you Rasputin.

A song in progress

Let's Be Honest (Drinking for you)

Let's be honest.
Candid for a moment.
We all know how
This ends.
With a kitchen knife
And a 5th.
I've nothing left,
Can't try again;
Only hollow for so long
Before I find some misery
To swallow.
Only sober until
Everyone's gone
And I can drown in peace.
I loved you all,
I hope you know,
But all the bad words
Are in capitals
And that one's so damn small.
Maybe, if I were better
At playing my guitar
I'd get a wall too,
But I won't,
Just a toast to a ghost
At some shitty ghetto bar.
We all fade away,
Everything you capture escapes;
The moment,
The light
The fickle flame
And the sun
Creeping through venetian blinds;
Passed out in cold
Sweat and shame.
It all just fades away
Beneath the bottles
Lined up like fallen soldiers
You kill just to feel OK.
So drink to me, Elliot and Chris
Everyone who ever saw the truth
And was broken by it.
Because right now,
I'm drinking to you.
Right now,
I'm drinking for you.

Flint and Steel (The Ember)

Ochr and azure

The autumn sky

So godamn beautiful

As day fades to night,

I watch twilight rise.

While your smile

Begins to fade,

And the flicker,

The ember,

Of love that I

Kindled in your eyes.

I'm flint and steel,

A hard handed man

Worn from making sparks,

All the nights

Spent writhing in sweat,

Grinding me away in the dark.

Just don't look for fire

In my lips or heart,

I don't make flames

Or build fires

Only funeral pyres

For sad girls

With pretty eyes.

Because I only want

Women in love with their lies.

I only feel,

When I know I could rise

Above the broken

Way your hands make fists

When you seethe and despise

the way I see weakness in you.

I'm flint and steel, hard, solid

And painfully real.

Everything you want, fear, hate

And feel.

I Don't Believe (The knot, the noose)

I don't believe,

I don't believe;

In purpose,

Love, life

Or even simple

Meaning.

Only bed sheets

Torn up in lust,

Or the whiskey

At the bottom

Of my coffee cup.

It's all tangled up,

The dead, the gone

The ghosts in my head,

Like the sheets

Rumpled and wet

Spread across the bed.

I'd like to just make

Everything clean

And straight

So I can sleep tonight,

Let the knot of horror

That curls in my mind

Grow loose and unfurl

Like the sails of a ship;

Put you in place

Next to my dead friends

And think fondly

Of your lips I did love

Or the curve of your chin,

The way you'd laugh

When I nuzzled the nape

Of your neck, or the fuzz

Of your lower back.

I'd like to cast out

And just sail away,

Before knots become nooses

And I'm planted in a grave.

Because I can feel it

In the coming October air,

Samhain approaches,

The day of the noble dead,

I lean too far out of windows,

Drive too many drinks in,

Seethe to go back over there,

To find my friend,

Sleep silent still and well,

See if her love's alive, waiting,

Behind the mortal veil;

Because a man must make peace

With both his demons and dreams,

And when one swallows the other

He can do nothing.

A prisoner to manic madness

Or iron barred sadness,

There can be no relief

That doesn't come from

Pulling off panties

Or downing bottles of whiskey.

He becomes a wretched thing,

With no ship to sail,

No principles to fail,

No hope to follow

Only the knot, the gallows

And the hole where

Loving memories are eaten

By pain and sorrow

Until the heart grows heavy

Until the chest becomes hollow.

Most days I'm just looking

For reasons to make it

To tomorrow.

I don't believe;

I don't believe;

In anything.

Showing Emotion (Is like noticing your fly is down)

Showing emotion, I say, is like noticing

Your fly is down in a room full of people.

So it's best to keep your somber moods,

Thoughts black, thoughts blue, for quiet

Nights when you're alone in recluse.

Sick nights, rainy days; spent the evening

Trying to chase my new lovers away.

So I could put old feelings onto shelves,

In shoe boxes and trash bins, to string

Together a reason to go on from all I felt.

Because right now,

I just don't have one.

Everything died,

Alone in the tomb

Of my bunker

In the desert nights.

Maybe it's unfair to ask for the truth

Since we're all so used to living a lie.

But I'd like to quit drinking some day

And it helps to forget the mess, left

When he died and she ran away.

So I sift, search and stumble in the mess

Of my war-torn emotions and broken mind,

I know I don't deserve a thing, not candor,

Equity or what I'm given of your time,

But really, baby, I just want to feel better.

Because right now,

I'm just not alright.

I'm a survivors's cliche;

A PTSD novelty

Always scaring her, waking,

Screaming in the night.

She Feeds The Monster (I wasn't strong enough)

She feeds the monster in me;

Sex, drugs and whiskey.

I've walked hard roads

From the desert, to the sea

And been lost in bottles,

Bars and beds - remember;

Remember who you are.

Once there was a drunk angel

That sat on my shoulder,

But I ran too fast and she fell.

Now all I find are devils on my

Arm as we vacation in hell.

She feeds the monster in me;

Passion, blood and apathy.

Now there's this tower,

Ivory like lines cast on mirror

And steely gray skies. Clouds

Laid out like powder that come

And go - in the wind, they just blow.

My city's streets cracked and bleak,

Full of humming fury, desolate

And vibrant like only Detroit can be;

It's no home to me now, when we left

I lost my home, the angel to her city.

She feeds the monster in me;

Sweat, life and memories.

Who have I become?

Fed and bled this bitter blood-

The wolf howls at the naked moon,

My beast bellows at the fear of love;

Every ideal unwound, being made untrue.

Let go of the man,

So the monster can hunt,

Because I wasn't strong enough

To really let go of you.

Where Am I (Where are you?)

Haunted by ghosts,
Ethereal and ephemeral-
Wisps of light dancing
Like leaves down November
Streets, chasing outlines
Of long wandered feet.

Oh, where am I?
Where are you tonight?
Where are the alleys
I can get lost and gone
Following flickers, memories
Outlined in snowy flight.

The coffee cup phantoms
Sip their brew tepid and black,
And I feel for extra limbs long
Gone, their hands and hearts
That held me up when twilight
Fell on my sorrowful back.

Everyone makes graves,
Every dead heart blooms
When spring nests in stones
Epitaph with somber sonnet,
When footsteps lead to granite
And gilded memories of you.

Where am I?
Where are you tonight?

Not here, drowning in whiskey.
Not here, with me.

Why Can't I (Claim your grave)

Man, I've been thinking

A lot about you lately,

All the mornings,

We'd go out to run

And you'd tell me

I was there just to

Run away from everyone.

About your face all pale

Lowered stately in your grave

And all the friends

I never knew

Throwing flowers as they

Put you away.

Well, why can't I?

When I dream, I see

You dead and laughing

At all the absurdity

Of a war never to be won

Or in the park,

Just playing with your son.

I wear your stripes

Every day I still breathe

Which feels like less lately

Just between you and me.

Well, why can't I?

Just learn to live normally,

You seemed to have it down -

A soldiers son, your mother's

love, a kind woman's only one.

We both know, and I think

We'd agree, it shouldn't have

Been you, it was supposed to be me.

Now I'm just here thinking

About all the times we ate

Shitty food or stayed up too late

Playing poker or video games.

I take my medicine,

The ones that makes me sick

I'm always choking down

Amphetamines and opiates.

Just to feel free

Of all of these things,

The burdens, the bombs

Her walking away from me;

All the dusty wounds,

The bloody memories

That just scar and consume

My precious waking moments

With raw and wounded memories.

Well, why can't I?

Just take enough to settle my mind?

Lift you up and take your place?

Give the world back a better man,

While I find nice place to dark

To dream, to remember, to see

Everything I cared about consuming

What was left of me.

When I'm tired and my bed is no rest

I toss and turn thinking about

Crawling down and pushing you out

Give you back to life and

Claiming your grave.

Miss Misery (He got it in the end, didn't he)

Do you miss me miss misery?
It's a comedy of errors you see
Elliot sings, like he knew you
And watches me. Knows I'm
Everything i said I'd never be;
So I write screwdriver sonnets
While she sleeps beautifully in
My bed, loyal for a day before
My woman leaves and I cheat.
I took her like you took me.
Do you miss me, miss misery;
I know you don't, but I do.
Because I'm empty, pretty
And cheap. I'm you and who
Are you now? Miss misery
Call me mr. Loyalty and we'll
Drink well whiskey and laugh
At the absurdity of who I used
To be, all noble ideas and petty
Beliefs. So I'll fake it through the
Week, year -life with some help
From Jamesons and Johnny walker
Red. I'm empty, but I keep a good
Attitude, and I know you'd rather see
Me gone than the way that I am. A
Mirror of everything you used to be.

If I Could Fall (Skip the goodbyes)

If I could fall,

Let those rooftops grown large-

Because from here

They're so damn small.

Feel the air free

Blowing my soul

Into the stars

Ripped away in the

Howling scream.

Make my grave

A random place,

A patchwork field

Or the twisted

Knots of Toledo's

Ramshackle maze.

They say I'm headed home,

The war's over for me

And all of my hopes

My fears, my promethean dreams

Are over it seems.

My lover, my love,

She left for LA.

The only person who

Still feels like a friend,

Well, they just lowered

Him into his grave.

Soon, too soon, I will land

And have to face all the faces

Arrayed out smiling on

That cold July tarmac.

"Welcome home! Welcome back!"

They will all chant.

I will smoke cigarettes

And drink my well whiskey straight

Alone at the Bronx,

They will say I've lost weight.

From running or not eating,

Suicidal either way,

I'll just smile and nod,

Half glad and half hateful

For their small talk and praise.

For now, in the moment,

The sky is my home,

Forehead rattling against

Thick windows,

Curled up in the back rows.

I watch Ohio bleed away

Into the breadth of

The greater states

And think of Detroit

As a lost lover I'll soon see,

And I wonder if sentiment

Has left her perfume clinging

To every memory -

I have of a place I once

Thought I belonged,

To the memories of all the love

Now dead, now gone.

So I curse her name, Athena

Artemis, Juno and Aphrodite

All the things which have

Laid men low after making

Them feel mighty.

Soon my boots will once

Again be forced to the earth,

And life will begin again,

But never be as it was.

If I could fall,

From this place in the sky

I would make a nice mark,

I could skip the goodbyes.

Melancholy, Serenity (I would weep)

Melancholy,

Sadness the rift-

Hanging inside

My withered chest

In all the places

Veins tangled blue,

The roadways where

Blood and vital viscera

Connect to where

A heart should be.

I would weep,

For the emptiness

In me.

I would weep,

Until tears blind,

Couldn't see.

I would weep.

Serenity,

Lost and languished

In miscreant words

Spilling from serpent

Tongue in little poisoned

Drops into errant ears;

All the lies you're all

So desperate, so goddamn

Ravenous to hear.

Steel blades, liquor and pills

All glint in the moonlight

Soft and full of promise,

To depart this mournful world.

I would weep,

For what I've become.

I would weep,

For what I might be.

I would weep,

If tears were still

Bound in the blood

Of man little more

Than naked beast.

Heroes Graves (Not mine)

Alone in the desert

I'd sit and muse.

Is a soul a thing you find,

You build or grow,

Something you can loose.

Well, I got my answers

Lowering friends

Into heroes graves,

Watching my love

Just seem to shrug

At my killing pain -

Walk on away.

So now I'm always searching

For myself in the bottom of

Bottles and strange sheets

Of strangers beds.

The truth, it's what I'd said,

My cold body's lying

In the streets of Baghdad.

I'm just the ghost

Of a once noble man,

They shipped me home dead.

Papercut Tongue (Supposed dignity)

Take two off the train,

You silly man,

Such an easy smile

With thin teeth

And thinner words,

Papercut tongue

All the words they

Want to not want to hear.

Oh, but they say you're so vain

Oh, they still walk six blocks

To stop by the loft

For some drinks

To get tangled up in kinks

And shower you with sweaty rain.

Take two off the train,

Because you can,

Even if there's

Nothing to prove.

You're on your own;

Like Emily says,

You don't know

The difference between

Lonely and alone.

Oh, but they say you're so empty

Oh, they still drink your money

When you're slinging

Shots and smiles around.

Let them have their whispers,

Call you callous and when they

Leave weep for Her memory.

Take two off the train,

You filthy man,

Such noble aspirations

Tragically thin skinned

Left laying rumpled

Next to socks, shirts

And supposed dignity.

Raise The White Flags (Fools and fools)

Raise up the white flags.

Run them up the shattered masts,

We'll all hold hands

As the ship sinks

My fair weather friends

Scrambling for lifeboats;

Well, remember me well.

You won't, I know.

Fools and fools,

I was a fool for you

And you left me to die.

With all those knives

Buried in my burnt back,

Keep my friends too.

After all, I was wrong

When I did anything

That you've the right to do.

Raise up the white flags.

Let the hypocrite child

Take the wheel and sail,

Right over the edge of

Her fucked up drugged

Out and worthless world.

So discontent with what I gave:

Soul, the gifts, sanity,

Pounds and pounds of flesh.

Whisper words to my friends

Kill anything I have left.

Learning To Sleep Alone (In so many beds)

I'm learning to sleep alone,

In so many different beds,

It's not like I have a home,

So I'm always looking

For someone to let

Me rest my head.

I used to be a faithful man,

Or I like to think I did,

All those old friends tell me,

I'm just a charlatan.

I've got wolf eyes,

Wolf teeth,

A wolf tongue

Stalking beaches and bars

Around shallow seas.

Well what would she think,

If she could see me,

Tangled in all those bed sheets,

Eyes burrowing into pillow smiles

Night out over after two drinks.

What do they see, looking back

And smiling, fumbling for keys?

Forgive me, I seem to have

Misplaced my dignity.

It's probably sitting, dropped and

Discarded as cheap

In the sand beneath

Distant longbeach palm trees.

She took that when she left too.

But I'm beautifully broken

Even as my ego is shaken

Laying in Baghdad's smoking ruins.

I'm more alive and dead than

I've ever been,

She took all I had of worth,

Played with it, bored, threw it away;

But gave me freedom in the end.

New Skin (She's a gravebound tree)

Whose your new skin now?

A handsome man,

With handsome hands,

Or bloodshot eyes

From long nights

Spent charming you

Over cups of coffee;

Talking his way

Into your pants,

While you slide

Into his skin?

Will it fit?

Stretch to accompany two,

Or will you hollow

Him out, viscera and vital

Soul and style

Until there's only you?

Loving comes easy

To those who can't love,

Catch any bird and

A blindgirl told,

Will call it a dove.

Searching for souls

On golden coasts,

Or in bottoms of bottles,

Of poison or pills.

You've got a long

Way to grow

Like roots into the earth

Burrow like crawling fingers

Away from the light

In that capricious search

For solitude, definition,

A sense of being real;

You upturned tree,

Skyward rooted

All self deception and dishonesty,

Filthy floored canopy,

Unaware of the absurdity

Of wrenching open third eyes

Painted on in lipstick

So delightfully flippant

With all the suits you leave behind.

Will that handsome man

Be able to stand

The sight of you in years?

When he sees behind the bark,

To the wormy wood within?

Will he wonder what happened

When you've taken all you can?

And like the roots of grave bound trees

You've burrowed deep

In the carrion heap

Of his identity at peace?

What will you take

And leave in your wake,

Only dirt, my former

fair-weather friend?

Let Me Pour (Make me your monster)

Ravenous those lips

Your slim hips

Locked in motion;

The swerve my of whiskey sweat

Running the curve of her breasts.

Let me pour

In the august and noble night

Let me pour

Out through my ghost easy smile,

My abandoned home predatory eyes.

We're all cheap,

Tonight, tomorrow, months ago,

Everything.

So crawl in next to me,

I'll taste you tonight,

Give you a little of me

As long as those little red lips

Know how to whisper discrete.

I'm a broken man you know,

Or so she told me.

I'm always paying for sins,

Others and my own;

My heart all mangled,

My conscience tangled-

She made it clear it was all my fault;

I could've been killed, buried, breath stilled

And I'd still be the name she gives

The new scars she carves in herself.

Well make me your monster,

I won't bother to mention

Her rampant and selfish abuse.

I'll just slip

Into that old skin

With my new humble lips

Pressing into her kiss

Until morning comes,

When I'm alone again,

I'll crawl back in bed

Where all my ghosts live

And try not to choke,

On lungs heavy with smoke,

Hand on chest,

The monster I am,

Quietly trying to feel for a soul.

Forgotten Socks (Jewish girls are the best)

This lake lost to the rocks,

Her lover's tongue,

Branches bowing

Over forgotten socks;

She sings for me,

Songs I've heard sung

From computer speakers

For years and years.

She tells me,

When we part for small moments

Give lips leave to speak;

Jewish girls are the best.

All eyes are light,

As a summer day bleeds

Into soft summer night

And I'm hard pressed

To admit in the moment

That she just might be right.

Skies Go Gray (Without you here)

Skies go gray without you here,

I know, before I left, the march

Grass was greener than here in july.

Everything is a little emptier,

My smiles frayed around the fringes,

All the little interesting things I learn -

Seem less interesting when I can't

Share them with you. I whisper too

Often the sad words into summer nights,

"I miss you" - and the words hang

With my limp neck, bowing in their

Remorse and somber solitude.

When dreams haunt my sleep, often,

They are dreams of you. Of winters better

Spent, your gentle heart beating against my

Chest as we sleep away embracing in our bed.

Your eyes, hanging like distant stars

Close in mind, yet distant through the void

Of space that separates my heart from yours.

How callous was I? Who careless with

Such a delicate thing as your trust? I meant

No abuse, no misuse, nothing to replace your

Sovereign love with frustrated disgust.

I am no star, nor any magnificent thing,

Purely a man who loved a woman,

And was wounded, afraid and found wanting.

Now a simple pilgrim, traveling his former life,

The pain, the neglect, the rejection, the suffering -

But your eyes, the memory of their brilliant light,

Are the fixed heavens by which I navigate my plight.

So I whisper between harsh and haunted breaths,

"I love you, hope for you, wish you the best"

And hope that the summer winds carry my intentions

To perch within your heart, and swell up your breast

With all the love, hope and faith that pours from me

For you, and hope they find you well, hope they bring you peace.

Regret (Vast)

Regret,

Vast and heavy oppressive;

Lead coffin.

Bury me

With all your records, files

Clothing still remembering

The fire of your skin.

Regret,

My weakness, your pain;

Suffering for my fear,

Mortars and sandstorms

Your bitter tears

Run down my cheeks now.

Regret,

I never should have left,

But let you leave with love,

Patience and understanding -

All of that which I now possess,

Free from the deserts shadow of death.

Regret,

The loss of spirit's twin, lover, love

Dearest friend, confidant and mate.

Yet nothing stacked and weighed

Against the greatest loss ever faced,

The absence of your voice and faith.

They're Not You (Can you hear?)

They're not you,

This fact is undeniable,

This fact is true.

And their hands

Are not your hands,

Stirring cocktails and eye contact,

All little smiles -

Come hither breaths

Leaking from heaving breasts,

While I sip whiskey,

Keep their attention politely

With all my war stories;

My thin smile,

Choking back bile,

At their sympathetic lips,

The corners of their eyes,

When knees touch,

Her bed hanging

Diaphanous between us.

Will she taste like heaven,

Her sweat bleed freedom?

If I whisper your name

Into her ear, will she care,

Will she pretend in the afterglow

That I'm still there?

Not lost in memories,

Deep indents of velvet sofas,

Beneath thick blankets in cold cabins,

Sacred hugs in random hallways.

Should I sleep alone,

My arms empty while you're

Spread out silently in western beds

Of Los Angelical men?

They are not you,

No matter what we say

To ourselves as we force

Through this to the next day,

I'm not in their eyes,

So don't look for me there,

Alone or with company,

My bed silent or shared,

I'm drowning in drinks,

My empty smiles, my wolf whispers

In alabaster necks, absent ears

All the words I hold for you,

And I wonder in their nape,

Can you hear?

Snap, Pop (You Dick)

Snap

Pop

There goes the lock.

Gate open

Mind broken

What is left of me?

Pulled her under

So I could breathe,

I'd apologize,

But I'm still panicking.

Had to let go-

Hold the bird

I'm busy drowning.

At least she

Won't drown

With me.

How unfair;

To burn up love

To keep warm,

Light her up

With my shame

The bonfire of

My vanity.

Make amends

With the empty space,

The hole in your mind

That held her face;

At the end of the tunnel,

Almost there,

But now she's gone,

And you're nowhere.

Life rafts don't feel loved

For saving drowning men,

I'dve saved myself,

If I'dve known where to begin.

Swim to shore,

Swim godamnit swim,

You're almost there,

You've got to live!

With your guilt,

Your love still real,

Even when you're half dead,

And the memories,

The cruel things

You said untrue, surreal;

Of shitty letters,

Pathetic texts,

Nights in bunkers,

Your wrenched back -

Her voice so relieved

When you said

You wouldn't call again.

Swim godamnit swim!

You're almost there,

Gave up your best friend,

For the dusty desert air.

What a fool, a sad sad man,

To always take on more

Than you know you can.

Fucked her up,

Desperate to save yourself,

Now she's gone,

And you're fleeing hell;

Swim fucker swim,

Run if you can!

Walk on the water,

Aren't you more savior than man?

No you fool,

You martyr

You prick,

You're just a coward,

Who drowned his lover,

You're just a dick;

Your body broken,

Your mind dirty glass,

Fragile, fucked and sick.

Escape! (Mind your mind)

Escape!

My mind riot, broken;

I'm dying, dead -

Every step scrambled,

Every eye trembles

Every word weeps

That tumbles from me.

Fuck, what's wrong;

I'm always shaking.

My hands are heavy,

Each thought deadly

Between the precipice

And below the peaks.

What did I think I am?

Everything has broken,

Crumbled buildings,

Fire, smoke clutched knees:

Everybody run! Madness

Like mortars falling,

Rockets incoming, how

Can I fucking breathe?!

How can I still breathe,

With my lungs full of tears,

Alone and choking on despair,

Cracking, snapping, screaming

Out into the desert air.

Everyone is dead to me,

Buried, blown up, in the ground;

Worm food just rotting.

Or little voices on shitty phones,

Distant lights eyes seek in

Baghdad's blackest nights;

This tunnel my vision,

No one is real, I'm a ghost

Of a man, clutching to illusions

Of safety, security and demobilization;

I'm lost, tired and terrified,

Every call home pure desperation

That someone can save me,

Stop my spine from quaking;

Some supposed savior,

Always begging for salvation.

Escape! While there's something left!

Before your mind is gone,

Your soul barren, bereft.

Talked Into Corners (silence and time)

We've talked ourselves into the corners

Of this crowded room;

All the reasons we should fade

Have spilled forth from pained lips

Into ears with agendas

Which turn stern and disproving eyes

On any efforts we might make

To close that gap, the throng between

One end and the other.

They told me, tell her off;

Weak, broken at war I cast you away

And woke to realize the price I'd paid.

Now you've sent me off

And I know you still feel for me,

Your desire though muddled is a real thing.

So time, slow the motion must be

I will work to change that which

Has broken so deeply in me,

Give time I should long have gave,

Hope that once you've found yourself

You'll still feel the same way.

Let their eyes be their own,

Their scowls misplaced, agendas disowned.

This life is yours, and mine for me,

Hopefully, despite the leering eyes,

In the middle of this crowded room

We will once again meet.

Too little, Too Late, Too Soon.

All the same songs,

Play on our radios;

Their mournful chords,

Speaking the same words:

"You still love, but move on".

And all their singers,

Have felt the same,

We're all human after all,

Bound by hope and pain.

We're in the same place,

Yet thousands of miles away;

I still love you, every fiber

Every speck, every moment

We'd spent -hand in hand

In the icecream isle,

Sitting here, fighting what we feel

Desperate to deny love is real.

I'm not gone, don't you see?

I'm still here, I didn't leave;

I've meant every word,

I'm silent, so you can have peace;

Finally able, somewhat stable,

Trying to give you the things

You'd told me you'd need.

Unmentionable (My soul will be laying beside the bedside you burn in)

Am I your unmentionable?

A private thing

To be kept hidden deep

In your mind's deeper drawers?

A secret thing of desire

Tinged with fear?

Will you tell him of me

As you sip coffee?

My name spoken in tones

Either casual

Of the receeding past,

Or bleeding with present pain?

Will you consider his placcating words,

His gentle probing concern

As he imagines

The color of the panties you wear.

And will you be lonely love?

Is your heart still tethered

Or roaming free, bonds broken

By shears held in hands of fear?

Will you give in,

Let him slip them off?

Leave my impoded heart

Lying on the floor in bedside

Shadow as you give him all, I no more?

Am I unmnetionable, a sectet thing

To which you will not give will,

Or word or want or care to speak?

Am I soon to be forgotten,

My good intentions all misbegotten?

Your Dear John departing

The anterchamber of your heart?

Am I unmentionable, inconsiderable,

Ragged emotions and threads

Of fading memories

Laying on the floor,

Fading from memory -

Soon to fall apart?

Every Word (Is for you)

Yes, every word is for you.

All the gauze, the arrogance and indifference

I wrap around these wounds holds true,

Real love cuts deep though,

And just bleeds right through.

If I've failed

To be much of a man

I'm sorry for that.

If I've failed,

To love you like I should,

I've failed to be a man.

Yes, every cell in my body

Bears your name and yours alone.

When my insolent eyes roam others freely

My heart screams your name,

That I'm still yours completely.

If I die here

In the desert alone,

I'll think of you as I pass.

If I die here,

So far from home,

I hope you know -

Every word is for you.

Your Word (Such a flimsy thing)

Your word, such a fragile and flimsy thing,

Readily given, quickly broken and quick to

Fly from pearch like crow on ready wings.

All the words ring hollow,

Like little mallets hitting heavily

On my belltower bound heart.

Trust, oh I try, tried and tried

But your word and action lie far apart

Your only consistency is to wound me,

Push away, keep solemn vows only

When they serve to make me pay

For my trangsressions, rightly wrong;

So I pay in blood while you move on -

And you tell me you haven't,

That it's a trivial thing,

And you know how it cuts me,

Every time we seldom speak.

Keeping your options open,

Now as was before, and I wonder

How long until my faith and hope

Give way and my stomach falls to the floor.

I try and trust, but something here

Is misbegotten, plain untrue or at best dishonest-

To me or them, the electronic horde

Who seek to slip in on those three words.

I try to trust, I try, I do try,

But what is there to trust when

So many words amounted to pretty lies?

This damage, this acid, it eats away

And if there is to be anything again,

It creates only more wounds, more pain.

And though I love, I do, I do,

It is these things that ruin my sleep,

And sew fear my faith is misplaced in you.

All the broken people say:

I'll fix myself tomorrow,

I'm just to broken today.

Yeah, all the broken girls sing

Shitty break up songs,

Out of key. Find salvation

From depresssion in the

Daisy chain of new arms.

And the broken men scream,

Their ragged voices in the night:

I fought the war, loved her more

Than anyone ever has before!

All the broken people sing

Withered hearts with weak words.

All the broken people scream

In defeat at the cycle they repeat,

They justify, they sought -they seek.

All the broken people sing out

Just let this guilt die, let the truth

Sleep, let me forever just be weak.

That Shadow (the dappled veil)

That Shadow, the veil

Drawn over the glass

Of grave visage;

Serene, silent

As still lakes

Eternal, undisturbed

But for slithering tears

Rippling in sobbing wake.

That Shadow, the pale

Light of cindery skiff

Smoldering after weeping

Flames to dancing stars;

It echoes deaf

In the creases

Of quivering lips and eyes,

Prideful, and of pride bereft.

That Shadow, dappled

And hanging in Sunday

Summer swelter, the

Mercy of leafy oaks-

The hangman's assembled shelter-

It feeds in slow voracity

Of back bitten tears and

Those stolen years

As broken necks are bowed in prayer.

That Shadow, the pale and dappled veil-

It feeds.

In the depth of boundless cimmerian dreams

And the captive soul's breathless screams.

Book of the Dead (Play at passion)

There's revolution in the streets of Cairo tonight,

And kids in Ohio holding solidarity signs

Sipping hot cocoa and cheering at cars passing by-

But me, I'm dying a little bit tonight.

For all the bleeding hearts being weighed

Against feathers, and being found heavy.

Fed to the beasts of their own desperation

Chained and chomping at the gates of hell.

Oh how hollow it all rings

To the men in suits passing by

Watching their kids play at passion

Before slipping off to get drunk and fuck

Tell jokes and take drugs without a thought

For all the men dying in the streets tonight.

Spare me your revolution, your misguided

Delusions that you're not the reason why

Honest men are fighting in desert streets tonight.

So raise your banners high

Chant and call into the night

Excuse your nihilism

With empty activism

Pump your fist in revolution

Sip your cocoa, your childish solution.

My Heart. Is Broken.

This is the end, the little death

That's been hanging in the wind,

And I wonder

Like a bird flying from a perch

Unobserved

If it was ever there to begin with

Or a trick

Of my death seeking senses.

My heart

Is broken.

These are the only words.

My heart.

Is broken.

The feeling of shriveled souls

Tears welling in a wounded chest

The mortal coil of deep love

Unwinding in my battered breast.

My heart.

Is broken.

So much suffering

In so few words.

All the nights we spent

Twinned and twined

Hopes and dreams

The swell of your chest

And I lay spent and pressed

Head on navel

Cradled between your legs.

My heart.

Is broken.

These are the only words.

Object Desire (The commodity of breasts)

Object desire

Fools, playing with wrapping paper

Their fucking hands

Always reaching, groping

At any gift left unattended

Minutes or moments

So eager to put their dick in something.

Object desire

The commodity of breasts

Given scarcity

Gives birth to desperate men

Pants and small throbbing cocks

All riot and unrest.

Tell me, tell me, tell me

Make me feel like a man

Tell me, tell me, tell me

Baby, tell me I'm in demand.

Object desire

All the plastic people

Prophylactic discourse and desperately

Talking each other out of their clothes

All the pretty girls

Sitting behind window sills

Wondering if they're people too.

Object desire

The innocence afforded

By being half aware and cheap

My conscience is low

But confidence is high

So baby, let me take you home tonight.