Skies Go Gray (Without you here)

Skies go gray without you here,

I know, before I left, the march

Grass was greener than here in july.

Everything is a little emptier,

My smiles frayed around the fringes,

All the little interesting things I learn -

Seem less interesting when I can't

Share them with you. I whisper too

Often the sad words into summer nights,

"I miss you" - and the words hang

With my limp neck, bowing in their

Remorse and somber solitude.

When dreams haunt my sleep, often,

They are dreams of you. Of winters better

Spent, your gentle heart beating against my

Chest as we sleep away embracing in our bed.

Your eyes, hanging like distant stars

Close in mind, yet distant through the void

Of space that separates my heart from yours.

How callous was I? Who careless with

Such a delicate thing as your trust? I meant

No abuse, no misuse, nothing to replace your

Sovereign love with frustrated disgust.

I am no star, nor any magnificent thing,

Purely a man who loved a woman,

And was wounded, afraid and found wanting.

Now a simple pilgrim, traveling his former life,

The pain, the neglect, the rejection, the suffering -

But your eyes, the memory of their brilliant light,

Are the fixed heavens by which I navigate my plight.

So I whisper between harsh and haunted breaths,

"I love you, hope for you, wish you the best"

And hope that the summer winds carry my intentions

To perch within your heart, and swell up your breast

With all the love, hope and faith that pours from me

For you, and hope they find you well, hope they bring you peace.

Regret (Vast)

Regret,

Vast and heavy oppressive;

Lead coffin.

Bury me

With all your records, files

Clothing still remembering

The fire of your skin.

Regret,

My weakness, your pain;

Suffering for my fear,

Mortars and sandstorms

Your bitter tears

Run down my cheeks now.

Regret,

I never should have left,

But let you leave with love,

Patience and understanding -

All of that which I now possess,

Free from the deserts shadow of death.

Regret,

The loss of spirit's twin, lover, love

Dearest friend, confidant and mate.

Yet nothing stacked and weighed

Against the greatest loss ever faced,

The absence of your voice and faith.

They're Not You (Can you hear?)

They're not you,

This fact is undeniable,

This fact is true.

And their hands

Are not your hands,

Stirring cocktails and eye contact,

All little smiles -

Come hither breaths

Leaking from heaving breasts,

While I sip whiskey,

Keep their attention politely

With all my war stories;

My thin smile,

Choking back bile,

At their sympathetic lips,

The corners of their eyes,

When knees touch,

Her bed hanging

Diaphanous between us.

Will she taste like heaven,

Her sweat bleed freedom?

If I whisper your name

Into her ear, will she care,

Will she pretend in the afterglow

That I'm still there?

Not lost in memories,

Deep indents of velvet sofas,

Beneath thick blankets in cold cabins,

Sacred hugs in random hallways.

Should I sleep alone,

My arms empty while you're

Spread out silently in western beds

Of Los Angelical men?

They are not you,

No matter what we say

To ourselves as we force

Through this to the next day,

I'm not in their eyes,

So don't look for me there,

Alone or with company,

My bed silent or shared,

I'm drowning in drinks,

My empty smiles, my wolf whispers

In alabaster necks, absent ears

All the words I hold for you,

And I wonder in their nape,

Can you hear?

Snap, Pop (You Dick)

Snap

Pop

There goes the lock.

Gate open

Mind broken

What is left of me?

Pulled her under

So I could breathe,

I'd apologize,

But I'm still panicking.

Had to let go-

Hold the bird

I'm busy drowning.

At least she

Won't drown

With me.

How unfair;

To burn up love

To keep warm,

Light her up

With my shame

The bonfire of

My vanity.

Make amends

With the empty space,

The hole in your mind

That held her face;

At the end of the tunnel,

Almost there,

But now she's gone,

And you're nowhere.

Life rafts don't feel loved

For saving drowning men,

I'dve saved myself,

If I'dve known where to begin.

Swim to shore,

Swim godamnit swim,

You're almost there,

You've got to live!

With your guilt,

Your love still real,

Even when you're half dead,

And the memories,

The cruel things

You said untrue, surreal;

Of shitty letters,

Pathetic texts,

Nights in bunkers,

Your wrenched back -

Her voice so relieved

When you said

You wouldn't call again.

Swim godamnit swim!

You're almost there,

Gave up your best friend,

For the dusty desert air.

What a fool, a sad sad man,

To always take on more

Than you know you can.

Fucked her up,

Desperate to save yourself,

Now she's gone,

And you're fleeing hell;

Swim fucker swim,

Run if you can!

Walk on the water,

Aren't you more savior than man?

No you fool,

You martyr

You prick,

You're just a coward,

Who drowned his lover,

You're just a dick;

Your body broken,

Your mind dirty glass,

Fragile, fucked and sick.

Escape! (Mind your mind)

Escape!

My mind riot, broken;

I'm dying, dead -

Every step scrambled,

Every eye trembles

Every word weeps

That tumbles from me.

Fuck, what's wrong;

I'm always shaking.

My hands are heavy,

Each thought deadly

Between the precipice

And below the peaks.

What did I think I am?

Everything has broken,

Crumbled buildings,

Fire, smoke clutched knees:

Everybody run! Madness

Like mortars falling,

Rockets incoming, how

Can I fucking breathe?!

How can I still breathe,

With my lungs full of tears,

Alone and choking on despair,

Cracking, snapping, screaming

Out into the desert air.

Everyone is dead to me,

Buried, blown up, in the ground;

Worm food just rotting.

Or little voices on shitty phones,

Distant lights eyes seek in

Baghdad's blackest nights;

This tunnel my vision,

No one is real, I'm a ghost

Of a man, clutching to illusions

Of safety, security and demobilization;

I'm lost, tired and terrified,

Every call home pure desperation

That someone can save me,

Stop my spine from quaking;

Some supposed savior,

Always begging for salvation.

Escape! While there's something left!

Before your mind is gone,

Your soul barren, bereft.

Talked Into Corners (silence and time)

We've talked ourselves into the corners

Of this crowded room;

All the reasons we should fade

Have spilled forth from pained lips

Into ears with agendas

Which turn stern and disproving eyes

On any efforts we might make

To close that gap, the throng between

One end and the other.

They told me, tell her off;

Weak, broken at war I cast you away

And woke to realize the price I'd paid.

Now you've sent me off

And I know you still feel for me,

Your desire though muddled is a real thing.

So time, slow the motion must be

I will work to change that which

Has broken so deeply in me,

Give time I should long have gave,

Hope that once you've found yourself

You'll still feel the same way.

Let their eyes be their own,

Their scowls misplaced, agendas disowned.

This life is yours, and mine for me,

Hopefully, despite the leering eyes,

In the middle of this crowded room

We will once again meet.

Too little, Too Late, Too Soon.

All the same songs,

Play on our radios;

Their mournful chords,

Speaking the same words:

"You still love, but move on".

And all their singers,

Have felt the same,

We're all human after all,

Bound by hope and pain.

We're in the same place,

Yet thousands of miles away;

I still love you, every fiber

Every speck, every moment

We'd spent -hand in hand

In the icecream isle,

Sitting here, fighting what we feel

Desperate to deny love is real.

I'm not gone, don't you see?

I'm still here, I didn't leave;

I've meant every word,

I'm silent, so you can have peace;

Finally able, somewhat stable,

Trying to give you the things

You'd told me you'd need.

Unmentionable (My soul will be laying beside the bedside you burn in)

Am I your unmentionable?

A private thing

To be kept hidden deep

In your mind's deeper drawers?

A secret thing of desire

Tinged with fear?

Will you tell him of me

As you sip coffee?

My name spoken in tones

Either casual

Of the receeding past,

Or bleeding with present pain?

Will you consider his placcating words,

His gentle probing concern

As he imagines

The color of the panties you wear.

And will you be lonely love?

Is your heart still tethered

Or roaming free, bonds broken

By shears held in hands of fear?

Will you give in,

Let him slip them off?

Leave my impoded heart

Lying on the floor in bedside

Shadow as you give him all, I no more?

Am I unmnetionable, a sectet thing

To which you will not give will,

Or word or want or care to speak?

Am I soon to be forgotten,

My good intentions all misbegotten?

Your Dear John departing

The anterchamber of your heart?

Am I unmentionable, inconsiderable,

Ragged emotions and threads

Of fading memories

Laying on the floor,

Fading from memory -

Soon to fall apart?

Every Word (Is for you)

Yes, every word is for you.

All the gauze, the arrogance and indifference

I wrap around these wounds holds true,

Real love cuts deep though,

And just bleeds right through.

If I've failed

To be much of a man

I'm sorry for that.

If I've failed,

To love you like I should,

I've failed to be a man.

Yes, every cell in my body

Bears your name and yours alone.

When my insolent eyes roam others freely

My heart screams your name,

That I'm still yours completely.

If I die here

In the desert alone,

I'll think of you as I pass.

If I die here,

So far from home,

I hope you know -

Every word is for you.

Your Word (Such a flimsy thing)

Your word, such a fragile and flimsy thing,

Readily given, quickly broken and quick to

Fly from pearch like crow on ready wings.

All the words ring hollow,

Like little mallets hitting heavily

On my belltower bound heart.

Trust, oh I try, tried and tried

But your word and action lie far apart

Your only consistency is to wound me,

Push away, keep solemn vows only

When they serve to make me pay

For my trangsressions, rightly wrong;

So I pay in blood while you move on -

And you tell me you haven't,

That it's a trivial thing,

And you know how it cuts me,

Every time we seldom speak.

Keeping your options open,

Now as was before, and I wonder

How long until my faith and hope

Give way and my stomach falls to the floor.

I try and trust, but something here

Is misbegotten, plain untrue or at best dishonest-

To me or them, the electronic horde

Who seek to slip in on those three words.

I try to trust, I try, I do try,

But what is there to trust when

So many words amounted to pretty lies?

This damage, this acid, it eats away

And if there is to be anything again,

It creates only more wounds, more pain.

And though I love, I do, I do,

It is these things that ruin my sleep,

And sew fear my faith is misplaced in you.

All the broken people say:

I'll fix myself tomorrow,

I'm just to broken today.

Yeah, all the broken girls sing

Shitty break up songs,

Out of key. Find salvation

From depresssion in the

Daisy chain of new arms.

And the broken men scream,

Their ragged voices in the night:

I fought the war, loved her more

Than anyone ever has before!

All the broken people sing

Withered hearts with weak words.

All the broken people scream

In defeat at the cycle they repeat,

They justify, they sought -they seek.

All the broken people sing out

Just let this guilt die, let the truth

Sleep, let me forever just be weak.

That Shadow (the dappled veil)

That Shadow, the veil

Drawn over the glass

Of grave visage;

Serene, silent

As still lakes

Eternal, undisturbed

But for slithering tears

Rippling in sobbing wake.

That Shadow, the pale

Light of cindery skiff

Smoldering after weeping

Flames to dancing stars;

It echoes deaf

In the creases

Of quivering lips and eyes,

Prideful, and of pride bereft.

That Shadow, dappled

And hanging in Sunday

Summer swelter, the

Mercy of leafy oaks-

The hangman's assembled shelter-

It feeds in slow voracity

Of back bitten tears and

Those stolen years

As broken necks are bowed in prayer.

That Shadow, the pale and dappled veil-

It feeds.

In the depth of boundless cimmerian dreams

And the captive soul's breathless screams.