I Don't Believe (The knot, the noose)

I don't believe,

I don't believe;

In purpose,

Love, life

Or even simple

Meaning.

Only bed sheets

Torn up in lust,

Or the whiskey

At the bottom

Of my coffee cup.

It's all tangled up,

The dead, the gone

The ghosts in my head,

Like the sheets

Rumpled and wet

Spread across the bed.

I'd like to just make

Everything clean

And straight

So I can sleep tonight,

Let the knot of horror

That curls in my mind

Grow loose and unfurl

Like the sails of a ship;

Put you in place

Next to my dead friends

And think fondly

Of your lips I did love

Or the curve of your chin,

The way you'd laugh

When I nuzzled the nape

Of your neck, or the fuzz

Of your lower back.

I'd like to cast out

And just sail away,

Before knots become nooses

And I'm planted in a grave.

Because I can feel it

In the coming October air,

Samhain approaches,

The day of the noble dead,

I lean too far out of windows,

Drive too many drinks in,

Seethe to go back over there,

To find my friend,

Sleep silent still and well,

See if her love's alive, waiting,

Behind the mortal veil;

Because a man must make peace

With both his demons and dreams,

And when one swallows the other

He can do nothing.

A prisoner to manic madness

Or iron barred sadness,

There can be no relief

That doesn't come from

Pulling off panties

Or downing bottles of whiskey.

He becomes a wretched thing,

With no ship to sail,

No principles to fail,

No hope to follow

Only the knot, the gallows

And the hole where

Loving memories are eaten

By pain and sorrow

Until the heart grows heavy

Until the chest becomes hollow.

Most days I'm just looking

For reasons to make it

To tomorrow.

I don't believe;

I don't believe;

In anything.