I Don't Believe (The knot, the noose)

I don't believe,

I don't believe;

In purpose,

Love, life

Or even simple

Meaning.

Only bed sheets

Torn up in lust,

Or the whiskey

At the bottom

Of my coffee cup.

It's all tangled up,

The dead, the gone

The ghosts in my head,

Like the sheets

Rumpled and wet

Spread across the bed.

I'd like to just make

Everything clean

And straight

So I can sleep tonight,

Let the knot of horror

That curls in my mind

Grow loose and unfurl

Like the sails of a ship;

Put you in place

Next to my dead friends

And think fondly

Of your lips I did love

Or the curve of your chin,

The way you'd laugh

When I nuzzled the nape

Of your neck, or the fuzz

Of your lower back.

I'd like to cast out

And just sail away,

Before knots become nooses

And I'm planted in a grave.

Because I can feel it

In the coming October air,

Samhain approaches,

The day of the noble dead,

I lean too far out of windows,

Drive too many drinks in,

Seethe to go back over there,

To find my friend,

Sleep silent still and well,

See if her love's alive, waiting,

Behind the mortal veil;

Because a man must make peace

With both his demons and dreams,

And when one swallows the other

He can do nothing.

A prisoner to manic madness

Or iron barred sadness,

There can be no relief

That doesn't come from

Pulling off panties

Or downing bottles of whiskey.

He becomes a wretched thing,

With no ship to sail,

No principles to fail,

No hope to follow

Only the knot, the gallows

And the hole where

Loving memories are eaten

By pain and sorrow

Until the heart grows heavy

Until the chest becomes hollow.

Most days I'm just looking

For reasons to make it

To tomorrow.

I don't believe;

I don't believe;

In anything.

Showing Emotion (Is like noticing your fly is down)

Showing emotion, I say, is like noticing

Your fly is down in a room full of people.

So it's best to keep your somber moods,

Thoughts black, thoughts blue, for quiet

Nights when you're alone in recluse.

Sick nights, rainy days; spent the evening

Trying to chase my new lovers away.

So I could put old feelings onto shelves,

In shoe boxes and trash bins, to string

Together a reason to go on from all I felt.

Because right now,

I just don't have one.

Everything died,

Alone in the tomb

Of my bunker

In the desert nights.

Maybe it's unfair to ask for the truth

Since we're all so used to living a lie.

But I'd like to quit drinking some day

And it helps to forget the mess, left

When he died and she ran away.

So I sift, search and stumble in the mess

Of my war-torn emotions and broken mind,

I know I don't deserve a thing, not candor,

Equity or what I'm given of your time,

But really, baby, I just want to feel better.

Because right now,

I'm just not alright.

I'm a survivors's cliche;

A PTSD novelty

Always scaring her, waking,

Screaming in the night.

She Feeds The Monster (I wasn't strong enough)

She feeds the monster in me;

Sex, drugs and whiskey.

I've walked hard roads

From the desert, to the sea

And been lost in bottles,

Bars and beds - remember;

Remember who you are.

Once there was a drunk angel

That sat on my shoulder,

But I ran too fast and she fell.

Now all I find are devils on my

Arm as we vacation in hell.

She feeds the monster in me;

Passion, blood and apathy.

Now there's this tower,

Ivory like lines cast on mirror

And steely gray skies. Clouds

Laid out like powder that come

And go - in the wind, they just blow.

My city's streets cracked and bleak,

Full of humming fury, desolate

And vibrant like only Detroit can be;

It's no home to me now, when we left

I lost my home, the angel to her city.

She feeds the monster in me;

Sweat, life and memories.

Who have I become?

Fed and bled this bitter blood-

The wolf howls at the naked moon,

My beast bellows at the fear of love;

Every ideal unwound, being made untrue.

Let go of the man,

So the monster can hunt,

Because I wasn't strong enough

To really let go of you.

Where Am I (Where are you?)

Haunted by ghosts,
Ethereal and ephemeral-
Wisps of light dancing
Like leaves down November
Streets, chasing outlines
Of long wandered feet.

Oh, where am I?
Where are you tonight?
Where are the alleys
I can get lost and gone
Following flickers, memories
Outlined in snowy flight.

The coffee cup phantoms
Sip their brew tepid and black,
And I feel for extra limbs long
Gone, their hands and hearts
That held me up when twilight
Fell on my sorrowful back.

Everyone makes graves,
Every dead heart blooms
When spring nests in stones
Epitaph with somber sonnet,
When footsteps lead to granite
And gilded memories of you.

Where am I?
Where are you tonight?

Not here, drowning in whiskey.
Not here, with me.

Why Can't I (Claim your grave)

Man, I've been thinking

A lot about you lately,

All the mornings,

We'd go out to run

And you'd tell me

I was there just to

Run away from everyone.

About your face all pale

Lowered stately in your grave

And all the friends

I never knew

Throwing flowers as they

Put you away.

Well, why can't I?

When I dream, I see

You dead and laughing

At all the absurdity

Of a war never to be won

Or in the park,

Just playing with your son.

I wear your stripes

Every day I still breathe

Which feels like less lately

Just between you and me.

Well, why can't I?

Just learn to live normally,

You seemed to have it down -

A soldiers son, your mother's

love, a kind woman's only one.

We both know, and I think

We'd agree, it shouldn't have

Been you, it was supposed to be me.

Now I'm just here thinking

About all the times we ate

Shitty food or stayed up too late

Playing poker or video games.

I take my medicine,

The ones that makes me sick

I'm always choking down

Amphetamines and opiates.

Just to feel free

Of all of these things,

The burdens, the bombs

Her walking away from me;

All the dusty wounds,

The bloody memories

That just scar and consume

My precious waking moments

With raw and wounded memories.

Well, why can't I?

Just take enough to settle my mind?

Lift you up and take your place?

Give the world back a better man,

While I find nice place to dark

To dream, to remember, to see

Everything I cared about consuming

What was left of me.

When I'm tired and my bed is no rest

I toss and turn thinking about

Crawling down and pushing you out

Give you back to life and

Claiming your grave.

Miss Misery (He got it in the end, didn't he)

Do you miss me miss misery?
It's a comedy of errors you see
Elliot sings, like he knew you
And watches me. Knows I'm
Everything i said I'd never be;
So I write screwdriver sonnets
While she sleeps beautifully in
My bed, loyal for a day before
My woman leaves and I cheat.
I took her like you took me.
Do you miss me, miss misery;
I know you don't, but I do.
Because I'm empty, pretty
And cheap. I'm you and who
Are you now? Miss misery
Call me mr. Loyalty and we'll
Drink well whiskey and laugh
At the absurdity of who I used
To be, all noble ideas and petty
Beliefs. So I'll fake it through the
Week, year -life with some help
From Jamesons and Johnny walker
Red. I'm empty, but I keep a good
Attitude, and I know you'd rather see
Me gone than the way that I am. A
Mirror of everything you used to be.